Relationships between parents and children can sometimes become complicated. Whether it’d be a lack of communication that results in a misunderstanding or a breach of boundaries that caused a fight between both parties, there comes a point when things aren’t so great.
When conflicts like these come up, it causes some frustration and anger. However, with every problem, there is a solution and so is there in cases such as these. But, before diving into the solutions, let’s look into the possible reasons why the conflict occurred in the first place.
To begin with, both the child and the elderly parent have different needs. Especially when the child is grown up and somewhat independent, the child might need more space and independence to try and take care of themselves whilst also working towards and achieving the goals they have set for themselves. While on the other hand, the parent might feel the need to have the same kind of relationship that they had with their child from when they were younger until now. Unfortunately, for the child to grow, this can’t happen and it’s because, at some point, the parent needs to let the child go and let them walk on their own.
Nevertheless, when the moment comes and the parent has to allow their child to walk with their own two feet, after some time, there might come a point where the parent will experience what is known as ‘Empty Nest Syndrome.’ This tends to occur during the transition period of the child becoming more independent as he/she leaves the house to go take care of their own life. As much as parents want to push their children and support them by being there for them, there comes a point where the child shouldn’t cling to their parents anymore but yet instead, seek out the path that has been set for them. Times like these could be emotionally challenging, which possibly could make the parent want to grab on to their child once again after missing the company of their children for so long. As a result, the parent — without realizing it — grabs on to their child and slows them down in their walk of life.
Additionally, when the child becomes independent, it could cause a change in the way they communicate and the communication between them and their parents. Living away from parents could lead to a decrease, both in the quality and the quantity of the communication had between both parties. This could lead to a conflict being had between both sides as maybe one side might want to communicate more whilst the other isn’t as available as the other would like them to be.
Lastly, conflicts could occur when misconceptions come up to the surface. Viewpoints, labels, assumptions that aren’t true, are sometimes placed on the other person and this causes the other person to feel misunderstood and a little frustrated.
Nonetheless, to all these causes that have been mentioned, there are solutions.
Firstly, both the child and the parent need to act in such a way that both act and are treated as adults. The conversation has to be conducted so that both see each other as mature individuals who are both mentally and emotionally ready to talk the problem out.
In addition, with being an adult comes a level of maturity to where you are willing to accept some criticism and points for improvement. However, while one person needs to have a ready heart, the other needs to make sure that how they communicate that point across is appropriate and not condescending.
Moreover, both sides need to have the want and desire to make the first move. It can’t be that one depends on the other to always start the conversation but instead, let it be so that one fills in for the other (and vice versa) when the other doesn’t feel like starting it.
Finally, it is important to honor each other’s boundaries. This doesn’t only go for the child but it is also applicable to the parent. Get to know what makes the other person uncomfortable and what makes them happy. Try to avoid the former whilst continuing to work on the latter.
In conclusion, every relationship is tough. It takes time, effort, and a greater sense of understanding towards one another and the situation to maintain a good and healthy relationship. Yet with all that in mind, know that you can do it.
To all the children reading this, I hope you know that no matter how complicated the relationship gets between you and your parents, know that they love you and care for you. They might not do it in a way that you would like them to, but part of growing is understanding each other’s differences and this is one I advise you to try to understand.
To the parents, know that as time goes by and your children grow older, it will get even more complicated. But amid all the complications, know that there is grace when there are times that you make a mistake when trying to take care of your child. Choose to learn from the mistakes that you make and cultivate the relationship you have with your child. Always choose patience. Always choose love.
For love always wins.
Translated by Benayah Sitorus
