It is normal to feel angry as it could be a sign of “something is wrong.” Anger could be positive at a certain level, and if we express it constructively.
We need to know how to manage anger adaptively so that we can minimize the negative consequence and maximize the positive impacts. Let’s imagine anger as a fire. It could help us to do a positive thing like cooking, heater, etc. But, if we misuse it, it could hurt ourselves and even others.
Then the question is how to manage anger?
Emotion
- Relaxation
Some simple steps:
- Take a deep breath
- Repeat words like “relax,” “calm,” “take it easy.” Repeat those words while taking a deep breath
- Imagine a particular experience that can make you relax. It could be from your memory or imagination
- Practice physical movements that could relax your muscle and make you calmer
- Practice this relaxation steps every day. Keep practicing it so that it becomes automatically calm you down in a tense situation
- Use Humor
You can find the funny side or jokes from the frustrating conditions. Two important things to remember from using humor are: (1) do not use humor as a medium for laughing off your problems only, but use the humor to help you face the issue more constructively; (2) do not throw sarcastic or rude humor because it is the unhealthy way to express your anger
The example of using humor in managing anger: there is an annoying person in your office, and you associate him/her with a cartoon character. So, whenever you see him/her, you might imagine that cartoon character in his/her place doing any kind of activity there. You might laugh over it and reduce your tension.
Cognitive
- Manage the cognitive process
- Checks the evidence: what factors that support my feelings and thoughts in this current situation?
- Thinks the alternative: what is another perspective to evaluate this situation? What is another explanation for this problem? What is the supporting evidence for this alternative explanation?
- Modifies perspective: instead of thinking, “everything’s messed up, this is wrong that is wrong, it shouldn’t be like this,” it is better to change those thoughts to “this situation is annoying and frustrating, it makes me angry and frustrated. Yet, this is not the end, and getting angry is not fixing anything.”
- Be careful of the words “never” and “always” (Example: you are never listening to me! I am always the one who to understand!) when you are thinking or talking. It could be a justification for your anger, even make others’ who want to help you be in an awkward position.
- Keep in mind that “being angry over things would not change or fix anything.” Keep your logic and rationality.
- Empathy
When you are angry toward someone or people, try to make an effort to think “how it feels to be in his/her/their position?”
Behavior
- Problem-solving
You have to focus on how to deal with the problems, do not force yourself to find the solutions because it won’t come instantly. You can make a plan and check the progress. Start with the right intention, give your best, it is okay if the problem is not getting solved right away.
- Great communication
Be assertive, not aggressive! Express and tell your needs without hurting anyone. If you are on the tense and “hot” situations, try to hold your burning feelings and listen to others first before giving a response. Try your best to think before talking so that you won’t say anything that you will regret later.
Important thing: listening.
It is natural to be defensive when you are bothered, but hold yourself not to fight back. Try to listen to others’ reasons for their demands/complaints/criticism/scolding you. Be calm. Then you can proceed to discuss the solutions instead of having a heated debate or verbal fight.
- Modify the environment
Give yourself a break, make sure you have “personal time” to clear your mind in a scheduled time (for example: take a break 10 minutes every 4 pm in the office). Try to do relaxation and make your personal time, say to others “let me alone at least 10 minutes”. Take a deep breath and recharge your energy.
Others
- Timing
Conflict can happen because of the “timing” factor. For example, you are talking about serious matters with your spouse/partner in the night, but you end up fighting. It could be because both of you were tired or distracted. So, you try to adjust the time of discussion, adjust with your routines. Find the right timing to talk about serious stuff.
- Avoidance
The trigger of anger could be a simple thing in our environment. If it a something that we can avoid, avoid it then. For example, you get angry quickly when you are scrolling social media. Whenever this specific person updates anything, you will get furious. So, instead of getting mad because of that person, you should avoid the source. You can stop following his/her account, mute. Or even close your social media (final option). Think about this strategy as detoxicating yourself from things that trigger your anger.
- Finding alternatives
If one strategy doesn’t work, then find another one. You might find talking through messenger or text make you prone to conflict with others; if it so, try to communicate differently. You have other options like calling, or even face to face meet up. Or another example, you always have a bad mood because of the crowd in a train or traffic jams in a particular area on your way to the office. You can try to depart in a different schedule to avoid the rush hour (earlier) or choose a different street/route to the office.
References: https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control & https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/sites/default/files/anger.pdf
